In 2003 after 2 years of not having any luck with getting pregnant, we finally went to an infertility specialist.  After 4 inseminations on Clomid with no avail, we finally conceived on the 5th insemination with daily injections called Repronex in July of 2003.

We were so relieved. Finally. We heard his heartbeat very early. He was our miracle child. Everything looked great. At 20 weeks, we found out we were having a boy. We were elated. We have a girl now, and now- we would have the best of both worlds. Luke's due date was March 29th, 2004.

My first pregnancy went without any complications. However with Luke that was somewhat of a different story. I work at pediatric office, so I had access to urine strips, blood pressure monitors etc I had been sick in December, and my urine was dark, so I tested my urine to find protein. I then started to monitor my blood pressure just out of caution. My blood pressure was 136/86- which normally does not seem high, however my normal reading was 120/60.

I bought a home blood pressure monitor so I could continue to keep tabs. My blood pressure steadily continued to get higher. My doctor did not think that this could be a problem, as I had no problems with PIH or toxemia with my first child and my husband is the father of both children. He did say that that both were equally dangerous. However, he did take me off work in January, putting me on limited activities. My swelling had become quite serious and I started to measure a little under where I was supposed to be.

( I had always measured right on or over) so they ordered an ultrasound be done. That showed that Luke was a little small for gestational age. He was in the 30th percentile and my amniotic fluid was on the low-normal side. My blood pressure was up in the office so they put me on Aldomet twice a day.

So I continued to have weekly ultrasounds and fetal monitoring done. I had my Shower on Wednesday February 11th, then on that Saturday I called my doctor, as my blood pressure was 160/102 - he had me go to Labor and Delivery where they monitored me. They changed my Blood pressure meds to 4 times a day- which did nothing- it stayed about the same. On Tuesday February 17th, I went for my fetal monitoring. The nurse said we needed to get Luke's reactive line to go up. The doctor came in a read it, and looked at it for a long time. She then got out the stimulator that vibrates your belly. I had asked her if everything was okay, and she said yes- though they had never done that before. She glanced at my swelling which she listed as a +2, all the other times she had marked me as a +1, and the whole time I was at least a +3. I had severe pitting edema at this time. I told her I was feeling groggy, she said to cut back on the blood pressure meds- back to 2 a day.

In the morning of February 18th, I had a sharp pain that came and went quickly in my right side followed by feeling sick, I laid down and it subsided. Luke was active all day long. I went to my scheduled hair appointment that evening. He was active there too, and I made note of the time-730pm. My daughter and I stopped on the way home to pick up something to eat, and about 830pm I put her in bed and I went on in to bed to watch TV. I started to try and play with Luke, as this was our playtime. I poked and tickled, but he was not responding. I went and got some orange juice and apple juice to drink as this usually did the job. I felt a very faint nudge from him and thought he must be tired.

At about 930pm, I started to have very light tightening of my stomach, I thought they were possibly Braxton Hicks, I was induced with my daughter, so did not know what it was like to go into labor by myself. They started to get just a little stronger, and I was mildly alarmed, and Luke still was not moving. At 10pm I called the doctor on call and she said as long as I had felt him that day, not to worry, to take 3 Tylenol and lay down to see if the contractions subsided- if not to go to Labor and Delivery. I called my husband at work and told him that we may have to go to the hospital to start making his way home as soon as he could. I still was not fully alarmed as the contractions were mild. By the time my husband got home I was very sick. My contractions were strong and would not subside. I vomited and could not stand to walk on my own. He rushed me to the hospital where they wheeled me to L&D.

My blood pressure was high, they checked my cervix and I was dilated to 2 cm. It took them a long time to find Luke's heartbeat. When she said she found it, it was only 100 beats per minute. I knew then he was in distress and looked at my husband and said " Oh god, they are going to have to deliver him tonight." He would have been 6 weeks early. They took me to a birthing room, where my doctor came in. I saw him look at the fetal monitor and say " So you're telling me that you never had a heartbeat on the baby- that is mom's heart rate!" I knew then something was wrong, though I was not quite sure what. He wheeled in an Ultrasound machine. I watched him look and look. I had a very bad feeling, but still never ever was ready for what he was about to say. I asked what was the matter. He looked at me and said "Baby is dead, I'm so sorry." The bottom of my world dropped out from underneath me. I looked at my husband and could not believe what I had just heard. WHAT???????

He had no idea what could have went wrong, he saw nothing on the ultrasound. He broke my water and attached an electrode to Luke's head to be sure, once again, it picked up my heartbeat, so he did it a second time. I was praying to god to please let my baby have a heartbeat. It was not so. He was dead. They took me down to another ultrasound to see if they could see on that one what went wrong. Still nothing. They gave me Pitocin to speed up my labor and gave me an epidural. At 7:19am on February 19th, 2004 Luke was born. 4lbs 9 oz. 17/12 inches long. It was not until now did they know what happened, I had had a massive placental abruption that was concealed. I never bled out as it was all being held up by Luke. I never had any idea. I felt as though I was not me. I was outside looking in. This could NOT be happening to me.

I was terrified to see Luke and that's all I kept telling my husband. What could he possibly look like? When he was born, such a precious babe. Perfect in everyway. My sleeping little baby. If only he would wake up- I thought. I prayed.

We were fortunate enough to keep him with us. The nurses said we could have him as long as we wanted. We held him, rocked him and sang to him. We dressed him, examining every part of his body. His full head of black hair that would surely have turned blonde just as his sister's had.

He stayed that day, that night and next morning with us. It was so hard to say goodbye. I felt as though I would die. Still in shock. I could not possibly be going home without my son that I had so bonded with.

For the next 3 weeks I was in a deep depression. I tried so hard to be a mother to my 5 year old, as she needed me still- and she had also lost her brother. Her birthday is March 19th, one month to the day after Luke's so I had to go on with her birthday party as planned, as I did not want her to suffer. We had scheduled her birthday party for March 7th, an early party so that Luke's grand entrance would not lessen her day by chance he came early.

3 Weeks after Luke was born, I was still bleeding, they were afraid that I had leftover placenta still in my uterus or that something was stuck in my cervix. They did an ultrasound which proved that a wound from the abruption is what was still causing the bleeding. My doctor wanted to put me on birth control. I told him I would not take birth control.I had tried for too long to get pregnant and had enough trouble. He decided to put me on high dose Premarin- a hormone- to try and stop bleeding. The normal dose was 1 pill day. He had me taking 4 pills a day for 5 days. By the 4th day, I was starting to have some leg pain. By the end of that week, I could not walk and my entire leg had swollen up twice the size of my other leg. I went to his office- he suspected Deep Vein Thrombosis- A blood clot. He sent me to the ER immediately where they prepped me.

A Doppler of my leg showed that I had a huge life threatening clot right below by left lung extending down and that my entire leg was fully clotted.

The ER doctor informed all of us how serious this was, that I was in grave danger and this could be fatal.

They sent me to radiology where they placed a Tulip filter in through my neck into my jugular vein. They placed a sheath in through my right groin area and proceeded to use a long wire to try and break up the clot into my left leg. They then administered TPA to try and break up the clot along with other blood thinners and placed me in ICU.

I was still bleeding from my uterus from the birth, so I then started to bleed out from all the blood thinners. I went in on Friday and that Tuesday after I was crashing. They were taking blood every 6 hours. My fibrinogen level was down to 65. They then had to give me several blood transfusions as I would not stop bleeding. They decided to give me a DNC, to see if that would stop the bleeding and that backfired making the bleeding worse. Again on Thursday still on blood thinners, I crashed again. Passing huge clots, and in reality bleeding to death. They finally stopped the blood thinners and administered Pitocin hoping to get my uterus to clamp down and stop the bleeding. Off the blood thinners my blood clot so desperately needed, the bleeding slowed way down.

I was then transferred to another high risk hospital, where they monitored me for 2 days and sent me home.

Everyone kept saying hysterectomy- which I would not hear of unless it meant that I would die without. They did all of the blood clotting disorder tests on me and found that I have no problem with any of these. The problem as it turned out was the Hormone Premarin that he had put me on to stop my bleeding in the first place. Premarin has a risk of blood clots- at it's normal dose, let alone at 3 times the amount, as I was taking. What I would do to go back and to have never taken that. I have since stopped bleeding from the birth and I believe I would have eventually done so- had I been let to do it. I still have the clot throughout my leg and it is very painful at times. It will not go away with any medication now, as it is an old clot- since they weren't able to finish the blood thinner therapy. I have suffered through panic attacks thinking I was dying, even with the filter in place. They said that 97% of clots are caught with the filter. So that meant I had a 3% chance to die. My son was not supposed to die. Why was I exempt from this 3%? Only time will take care of this clot, and I have been told it could take several years to eat itself up. I am not able to stand or walk for a long period of time. Not only did we have to suffer the loss of my son, I and especially my family almost had to deal with the loss of my life.

They will remove the filter and once again put me on blood thinners for 3-6 months. I am ready to get that aspect of it all behind me.

This has been the worst year of my life, and yes, I know it could have been worse- I could have not been here to share this story of my mine, of my sweet baby Luke. My sickness that followed the death of Luke likely has helped me to get through, to show me that I still have a life and family that needs me. I have a daughter that desperately needs a mother. I will have to go on to be the best mother I can to her, as she is also truly our miracle child.

Sometimes my stomach will growl and I will feel as if I feel Luke stirring from the noise. I will sit in bed and read and expect him to kick my book as if to say " Hey! Get that book off of me!" as he always did. He was and is loved so much by me, by all of us. I read in one of my books a saying that I always think of " May you find comfort in knowing that with every whisper, with every touch, and with every tear your baby knew your love." and this does comfort me. He knew I loved him. He knows I love him now. And that love will go on forever. He may have never saw my face, but he knew my voice. I on the other hand, saw his angel face, but will never hear his voice. I will forever cherish the memories and time we had with him. My Angel child. Until we meet again.

Here is a poem that I had found, the author I'm not sure of, but thought it was a beautiful poem to share.

Please Don't Tell Them You Never Got To Know Me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy ,
I who couldn't seem to tell time and got your days and your nights mixed up,
It is I who acknowledged your craving for peach ice
cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the "perfect" teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to a dreamy slumber,
It is I that never had a doubt about your love,
It was I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.

In memory of all of our babies