When I met Mick and we fell in love in Aug 2004 we decided that we wanted to try to have a baby together but Mick was on the wrong side of the law at that time and went to prison.  Mick has 3 children from a previous relationship (Michael 12, Leah 10 and Joe 8).  When he came home in Feb 2006 we started to try for our baby together.

I found out I was pregnant just over 3 weeks after Mick got home. (How quick was that? You can tell he saved it, lol)
Everything was fine, everything felt just like my other pregnancies, no problems, I didn’t feel any different at my 12 week scan, they said everything was fine.  Mick’s mum went with me as he couldn't be there, she is a star is Susan, (Mick's mum) she is more than a mother in law, she is a friend and a true friend at that and they are hard to find.

The growth of our baby was fine and they could see no problems at this point. I went home thinking all was fine, I told Mick that we were having a healthy baby, not yet knowing the sex.  My next scan was due when I was 20 weeks gone and that was 11/07/06 and I was looking so forward to that as that scan would tell us if we were having a girl, I so wanted a girl, it was so important to me what with having two boys.  What we got told at our 20 week scan didn’t seem to matter about the sex as they told us our baby had a problem, that’s before they told us what sex our baby was.

Mick was with me now and held my hand all the way.  Our baby they told us, had a Diaphmatic Hernia which we didn’t have a clue about, then they told us we were having a boy and that is when to us our Charlie was born.  He kicked an he moved and our other babies, Callum, Elliott, Mikey, Leah and Joe then knew our new baby as Charlie.

We got told that this meant that our baby’s organs were not in the right place, his stomach and bowel wasn’t where they should have been, they had moved up into his chest and his heart was pushed to the wrong side.

We had some hope, we went for heart echoes and weekly scans, as far as they could tell our Charlie was growing well and his heart was developing fine, they told us that he had a 50/50 chance of making it and if he did he would lead a normal and healthy life, so we gave him that chance.
We saw a paediatric surgeon, the man who would be doing our Charlie’s operation and he told us our baby had less than a 20% chance of survival this brought our world crashing down around us, 50/50 was bad enough but 20%!

We carried on and hoped for the best, we knew he would need an operation to move his stomach and bowel back to where they should be, all the scans that followed lead us to believe all was fine apart from what we already knew and all
would be sorted when he was born.

That takes us to 17/11/06 the day before our Charlie was born.  That night we went to bed as normal and what happened next is a bit of a blur.  Mick woke up in middle of the night, went to the toilet and said something was wrong.  I told him to stop being stupid, he was probably having a bad dream that he hadn't woke up properly from.

Our Charlie wasn’t due to be born until the following Tuesday, the 21st by c-section so Mick then went to have a cig in the room.  I tried to go back to sleep but could not get comfortable and then all of a sudden my waters broke.
It was, or should I say, it felt so unreal, it all felt like a dream that I hadn't woken up from.  I can’t explain my feelings or what happened next but will try.

I remember going to the local hospital but they had already told me that my Charlie should be born in Leeds to give him the best chance to live as they have all the best equipment there and that is where he would have to have his operation 3-5 days after he was born so it would be for the best if he was born there also. But nature took over and all the planning was now out of the window, I was so, so scared, I'd never been so afraid in my life, in a way I wanted my little baby boy to stay where he was, at least I knew he was safe where he was but Charlie wanted to come out and say hello to us all then. (so impatient just like his father)

It was now the early hours of Saturday 18/11/06, I couldn't tell you the exact time as, like I say, it was like a dream, all I can say is that all I thought was that my baby is really poorly and I'm in the wrong hospital.  The midwives and doctors in the B.R.I were very nice, don’t get me wrong but I knew all this was wrong, me and my baby should be in Leeds. But life is life and things happen that you can't control and Charlie was born by emergency c-section in the B.R.I at 3.02am Saturday 18/11/06.

We never got to see our angel straight away,   He got whisked away to the neonatal  I.C.U. I then got took to the recovery room at this point, my mum and her partner and best friend came in to to see us.  Mick was by my side all the way and if he had not of been there I know this to be true, I would not have got through this.  He is my best friend, my soul mate and my rock and I love him with all my heart.  I can't wait until we get married this year.

Because I could not move from the c section, Mick and my mum tried to go see our Charlie but were not allowed as they was doing tests and trying to stabilize him, they had informed Leeds that I had had Charlie and they were sending a team over to collect him.  The staff at the B.R.I explained to us that Charlie’s oxygen level was low and he was really fighting for his life.
When they had got him as stable as they could I was allowed to go see him.  As I was still numb they wheeled me into the I.C.U on my bed. 

I had my eyes closed all the way, I was so scared at what I was going to see, I know it sounds strange as he was my baby but I had had 2 boys that weighed 9 and 8lbs, they never told me what Charlie weighed at this point and poorly babies in my mind always meant a small baby, stupid I know but then when the trolley that they pushed me in on stopped and I opened my eyes, there laid my little angel Charlie and he wasn't too small and he didn't look poorly.

He was perfect in every way, if it hadn't been for the tubes that were all over him and the machines that were beeping, you would never have thought he was poorly.  I had to go and leave him after only 5 minutes as that what I thought was best as they had to do tests and all that to make him better, or that’s what I was trying to believe.

What felt like hours passed and they finally came and told us that they were taking Charlie to Leeds, a wave of relief swept over me he was now going to the best place for him.  They took us down to the I.C.U to see him before he went and told us this could be the last time we see him alive as the journey to Leeds could be too distressing for him and he could pass away on route.  We went down and me, Mick, Susan and Joanne (Mick’s sister) said goodbye to Charlie but I knew in my heart it wouldn't be for the last time.

I went back to my room and waited for the ambulance to come to transfer me to Leeds to be with my baby.  I waited and I waited and I waited some more, my Charlie had gone at 9.30am to , I was still sat in my room at 3.00pm. They then decided to transfer me to Leeds but because they had waited so long, it had given me and Mick some hope that they had sorted it all and that
our Charlie was on the mend, sounds daft I know.

On the way in the ambulance I knew something was wrong as they wanted too put the lights and that on but their boss wouldn’t let them until the doctor at Leeds rang them and told them that it was important that I got there fast.  Mick had gone in his own car as he wasn't allowed to go with me.

What we got told once we got to Leeds took all the breath I had and I know it did the same to Mick.   That time and that date in our life is when part of us both died.  They told us we had two choices, we left Charlie on the machines they had him on and he would live for that bit longer, but his organs would eventually give up and he would leave us, or we could take
him off the machines and he would go that bit quicker, either way our baby was going to leave us.

We didn’t know what to do so we decided to go outside first and have a bit of time on our own to try get our head round what we had just been , but we just couldn’t, at the end of the day we wanted a baby to seal the love we had for each other and to make our life complete and it wasn’t working out like that.

We still hadn’t decided what to do, when we were going back inside a nurse ran up to us and told us to get back to Charlie asap.  We got back too him and knew not only by the nurses faces, we just knew Charlie was leaving us.

We had christened him Charlie Tony Crosdale and his grandma Karen, Nanna Sue, Nanna Julie, Uncle Leigh and Auntie Zoe had all met him.  They then took him off all the tubes and every thing that was keeping him alive and put him in my arms and that was the first and last cuddle I had of my baby boy while he was alive.

He stayed alive long enough to have a cuddle from his Mummy and I'm so, so glad for that.  He must have only been in my arms two minutes before he passed away.  I was in a wheel chair what with just having the c-section and they pushed me into a private room with Charlie and Mick.  We had a few minutes together then our families joined us.

We had photos together and bathed Charlie, the photos you can find on www.freewebtown.com/babycharlie.  Then at 7.30pm the doctor officially announced our Charlie had passed away.

I know part of this may be mumbled up, but like I said, it was like a dream and I wish it had have been. All I know for a fact is that I had a little boy angel, Charlie at 3.02am on 18/11/06 and he passed away that same day at 7.30pm and part of me and his dad went with him.  He will always stay forever in our hearts and minds.

Good night our Charlie angel

x x x x x